You might be a Jeeper if...

[Opus]

281.) You passed Chad again today (see #208) and the little bastard still didn't wave. So... since you already had his license plate and access to the dark web... you tracked down his place of employment and sent some anonymous deepfakes to his boss showing Chad's predilection for young boys. Then you located his wife, struck up a friendship, let her cry on your shoulder when she found out about Chad's membership in NAMBLA, and then seduced her in a moment of weakness. Take the hint, Chad...

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[Opus]

282.) You could afford the AMG G 63... you could afford the Range Rover... you could afford the Bronco Raptor... you chose the Jeep...

 

[Capricorn]

Wife: "Why don't you watch porn like other men instead of Jeep videos?"

 

[Opus]

283.) You contemplate "his" and "hers" Jeeps because with all the crap you carry you really need both vehicles for the extra space. But hey, that's why God made CB radios and walkie-talkies, right??? Plus, you can park next to each other, pop the roof-top tents, and instantly have a two bedroom condo...

 

[Opus]

284.) You don't take your Jeep to a car wash. You wash it by hand... slowly... methodically... for reasons you'd rather not get into with anyone who isn't your therapist.

 

[Capricorn]

284.) You don't take your Jeep to a car wash. You wash it by hand... slowly... methodically... for reasons you'd rather not get into with anyone who isn't your therapist.

That is so true for me.

 

[Opus]

285.) You had your heart set on the 2-door... ya' know... a real Jeep. But you've also got kids so no rear seat delete for you, my friend. You manage, though. It just takes some planning. A Costco run, for example, now means you have to make three trips. No biggie. You just leave your oldest child in the parking lot to watch the cart 'til you get back. Easy-peasy. And sure, some folks might get a little judgy since she's only 7 but, hey, they're not driving a 2-door with six kids in tow...

286.) Your friends vacation in exotic destinations. They dine at the fanciest restaurants. Their closets brim with haute couture. Is it because they're childless??? Oh, no. It's because they're Jeepless...

 

[LKG]

Wife: "Why don't you watch porn like other men instead of Jeep videos?"

Sounds like my wife haha.

 

[Opus]

287.) You turned on your defrost on a morning that was a little too cold and promptly cracked your front and rear windshield. Wait. What?! Seriously??? THIS is a Jeep thing??? Rock chips? Sure. I mean, it still sucks but you know you're driving a brick and shit happens. But the defrost??? C'mon. That's like saying I shelled the transmission because I forgot and put it in reverse in the summertime.

 

[Opus]

288.) An all electric Jeep? Sure. Huge screens and electronic gizmos out the wazoo? Hells yeah! Autonomous driving? Why not? That way, when you can't make the payments, your Jeep can repossess itself. The future will make everything easier...

289.) What does the day bring
It matters not when prepared
To do anything...

 

[Opus]

290.) The tow group, the convenience group, the premium audio group, the cold weather group... how about:

The Bougie Group - refrigerated center console to keep your champagne (or your almond milk) between 46 and 50 degrees. Upholstery by Louis Vuitton. Artisanal, hand-stitched air bags. Sirius XM only gets the Josh Groban and the Michael Bublé channels.

The O.K. Boomer Group - No power windows. No power locks. Three-on-the-tree. No push button start. All-Screen delete, analog gauges only. Power steering delete. Power brake delete. Roof delete. B and C pillar delete. Seatbelt delete. The only "convenience" in this group is an 8-track tape deck with a complimentary copy of Slim Whitman's greatest hits.

The Mother-Ship Group - LED head lights, tail lights, fog lights and turn signals. Light bars on roof (fore and aft and both sides). Light bar on bumpers (front and rear). Spare tire integrated brake light. A-pillar lights. Ditch lights. Hitch mounted light. Rock lights on the wheel wells and under-carriage. MOPAR disco ball, optional.

The F Your Neighbors Group - Exhaust delete, Sound system courtesy of L.E.A.F (Large European Acoustic Facility) putting out enough decibels to rattle the fillings out of your teeth.

 

[Opus]

291.) Your first post to a Wrangler website was an innocuous little question about protocol on the trail. Thirty pages later everyone on the forum has weighed in to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that you're an idiot who doesn't deserve their Jeep. Six months later... now you're a grizzled veteran of the forum who never misses an opportunity to tell idiotic newbs they don't deserve their Jeep. The Buddhists and the Hindus call it KarJeepma...

292.) Now, Billy...

show me on the Jeep where the bad man touched you...

 

[Opus]

293.) You've wheeled so hard you wish you'd shoved a lump of coal up your ass before you hit the trail... that diamond could've helped pay for some upgrades...

 

[SCOverlander]

294.) You stopped watering your front lawn to kill it and now your Jeep can part in the dirt.

 

[Opus]

294.) You stopped watering your front lawn to kill it and now your Jeep can part in the dirt.

I live in a town-house... I'm guessing there would be repercussions...

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